putting my oar in.

A message I sent a while back in response to a profile.  Couldn’t resist.

hey, i read your profile with interest, and was thinking that you sound like a great guy, and then i saw that you’d selected a few, very specific, racial/ethnic preferences in your ideal date. is there a particular reason you don’t want to date a black woman? i’m not black, but i do eliminate people who appear racist on their profile from my dating pool. that said, you seem like such a nice guy that i kind of wondered what your rationale might be for stating your preferences in the way you did.

i’m probably poking my nose in where it doesn’t belong, and i’m sorry if this email offends, but i really am curious…

Not surprised that he never responded, but I was honestly curious to hear his reasons.

advice file #7: rejection flooding.

Down to one. One of the guys from the last post is out. Ah well. 

Which leads me to my latest advice file about how to keep your spirits up while e-dating. Borrow a technique from psychologists who treat phobias: flooding. Basically, flooding means exposing someone to what they fear so much that they lose their fear of it. A friend that had a dog phobia, for example, was once trapped on a couch at a friend’s house with a broken leg and a very friendly dog for company. After a couple of days of aggressively friendly slobbering (the dog’s), he no longer had that fear of dogs.

In the e-dating context, when I start to take it personally that people don’t want to meet up because “the chemistry just isn’t there” or “the physical distance is too great” or whatever reason, I send out a slew of emails to interesting looking people on one site, or “start communication” with a bunch of the ones that I’ve been matched to on a different site. (Sometimes I even join a new site!)

On eharmony, for example, one of the sites I’ve used, I try not to even look at the profiles of the guys I’ve been matched to before I start communication. This is due to two reasons: 1) I’m fairly sure that 2/3 of my “matches” aren’t actually paying members for a variety of reasons I’m too lazy to list here, and thus 2) it’s much more time efficient to just start communication without studying the profiles of those potential matches that might not even exist. What I end up with is a bunch of people who never respond, a smaller but still quite large number who “close” me, and a smaller number who respond to my “request for communication.”  By not filtering on the the first round, it depersonalizes the large number of rejections I get. It also lowers the number of little (but disheartening) disappointments that come when you read a really interesting profile but don’t get a response.

On other sites where there isn’t the same computer-run system for matching you, I do actually read profiles carefully, but I try not to overanalyze them. Are they interesting? Seem sane? Meet other basic criteria like not showing obvious evidence of racism and meeting my own highly personal standards of attractiveness? Then I initiate communication. Not only does this keep you from filtering out people who are quite lovely but don’t know how to write a good profile, but more relevant for this post, this makes you take it less personally if they ignore you or tell you they’re not interested. Only invest in a relationship if you actually start one!

By the way, it’s funny how four guys responding “yes, let’s meet” out of 40 communications initiated feels so much better than one guy saying “yes” out of four emails sent, even through the the percentage interested is lower (10% versus 25% for you who math phobes.) 

So…initiate enough online contacts and go out on enough dates that it just doesn’t hurt that much when you’re rejected. This technique works really well for me. Sure, I’m disappointed when someone with a profile I really liked or who was super fun to meet for that first or second date flakes or lets me know they’re not interested, but it’s pretty easy to bounce back.

(A nice side effect of rejection flooding is that you end up with more potential partners-in-crime in the pipeline.)

slowing down.

I’m not planning any more first dates for a bit. I’m a bit tired. (Both of meeting new people and from working too hard.) I am, however, waiting to see what happens with two different guys. One I saw for a second time last night. I really like him! At least, what I’ve seen so far. Seems smart, intense, kind, and is a good listener and easy to be with. He’s a little harder for me to read than most, so I’m not sure what’s up on his side. The other I’ll see for a second time tomorrow. He’s coming to a group event that two of my single female friends will be at, as well. I’m not sure whether it’s underhanded or altruistic, but I’m actually kind of excited to see how he gets along with them, as I’m not sure but that he might be a better match for one of them. Who knows, though. If I’ve learned nothing else in my decades on earth, it’s that life can evolve in unexpected ways.

Just taking it a day at a time.

in my defense.

Okay readers. Sometimes edater might exaggerate, just a tad, with the intent of amusing her readers. So don’t judge me too harshly because of the previous post. I didn’t take it too seriously, and hopefully neither do you.

One of the comments compared me to Ally McBeal. Me! I mean, even I have my limits! ;-)

borrowing trouble.

No matter how hard I try to take my own advice about taking each day (and date) as it comes, there are occasions when I just can’t help forcasting stormy weather ahead, even when there are only trace clouds in the sky. Take, for example, Very Nice Guy with whom I had a lovely coffee on Saturday. We’ve only been on one date, and it was fun. And yet I find myself contemplating what might be a serious character flaw, at least in a relationship with me.

Here’s why.

On his profile, Very Nice Guy listed a number of types of music he doesn’t like and his reasons for not liking them. He included the following: “country (mostly emotional appeals that don’t resonate with me).”

Hmmmm.

Okay, I know that my own love of country music is a freakish anomaly here in the Bay Area, and I certainly don’t expect my significant other to share it. (I’m perfectly willing to get my country fix when he’s not around.) In fact, there are lots of fair criticisms one could level against the genre with which I would most probably agree. I mean, the music is formulaic, repetitive, simplistic, etc., etc. But, if one is actually listening closely enough to the lyrics to recognize that emotional appeals are being made at all, how can one not find the many songs about appreciating the beauty of everyday living, of finding contentedness in simple things, of commitment and joy and feeling the support of loved ones, endearing?

He might have taste, but has he no heart?

edater don’ts.

Don’t put 69, 666, or 420 in your username (unless your age clearly indicates you were *born* in 69).

Don’t put anything mean, angry, sexual, or gross in your username.

Don’t myspil thangz ahn yer profil or en emales. Not even on purpose.

Don’t be sarcastic in early emails. It’s impossible for me to hear your voice tone and know it’s meant to be funny.

Don’t put pictures up with an expensive car, without a shirt, in a swimsuit, with your arm around a woman, with someone obviously cropped out of the picture, or where you look mean or cranky.

Don’t have a beard. (Okay, you can have a beard, but darn it, why do so many men have beards? I hate them. Even when they look okay I hate them. They’re scratchy. I shave. Can’t you shave? Okay. Moving on now.)

Don’t mention your love for and skill in Guitar Hero over and over in your profile. Seriously.

Don’t “wink” or “woo” or “send an icebreaker.” (I know, I’ve said that before, but it’s worth repeating.)

Don’t show me how bigoted you are. (On second thought….)

Don’t make negative comments about other people’s profiles or past relationships until I start to know you better. Then it’s probably still better to hold off on the “she’s a crazy bitch” comments or “all women want to date super heroes” for a bit.

Don’t go on a date when you’re contagious.

Don’t read too much into it if I disappear for while; it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not interested.

Don’t neglect to put a photo up on your profile. I’m too lazy to “nudge” or “ask” for people’s photo, so your numbers will suffer if you don’t put up a photo. Don’t worry, not all straight women are looking for a Brad Pitt. Really.

And finally: Don’t rant on your profile. That’s what friends (and blogs) are for.

sometimes lines work.

Okay, I know that it’s probably a line, but this was super sweet!

Written as part of a longer email, first communication, initiated by him.

I do have to tell you this and I’m not one to offend, but there should be a law against you having a smile like that. It’s hypnotic.

Awwwwww. Thanks!

an odd message to initiate contact.

Eating Indian at [one of Edater's favorite restaurants] is just low.. especially when you could have home-made authentic Indian without all that oil.. been cooking foods from scratch since I was 9.. I would kid a girl about that! Besides.. last I went towards [Edater's city], the men out there seem to be from another planet- cuckoo birds. All sorts of unnecessary small-talk and forced fake laughter. It would take those oompa loompa a lot longer to find you while you stood right in front of them, than it would take you to ride a mule over to the Republic of Silicon Valley!

Avoid those clowns, young woman, go wild wild west. The Voices have spoken.

-The Voices, obviously

Well, he certainly did read my profile, but still, a very odd message.  I doubt it’s ever a good idea to talk about “the voices” speaking in an email to someone you’ve never met. I mean, I’m wondering if those voices speak to him on a regular basis….

transferable skills.

Went to a work-related dinner last night where I ended up sitting next to a stranger. I usually hate formal situations where I have to make small talk with people I don’t know. Tonight, however, it was painless and even, well, pleasant. I realized that after all those first dates with strange men, I’m just better at it.

Nice to know that I’m acquiring transferable skills as a by-product of this e-dating process.

sometimes you gotta break the rules.

Even when you’re the one that made them up in the first place.

I broke two edater rules with today’s brunch date.

1) I agreed to a first date that was *not* limited to coffee. I got away with it, though. It was fun!

2) I told him about this blog. (This is not something I’ve done with any of my previous e-dates, and not something that I plan to repeat. It’s also not something I regret. Yet. )