borrowing trouble.

No matter how hard I try to take my own advice about taking each day (and date) as it comes, there are occasions when I just can’t help forcasting stormy weather ahead, even when there are only trace clouds in the sky. Take, for example, Very Nice Guy with whom I had a lovely coffee on Saturday. We’ve only been on one date, and it was fun. And yet I find myself contemplating what might be a serious character flaw, at least in a relationship with me.

Here’s why.

On his profile, Very Nice Guy listed a number of types of music he doesn’t like and his reasons for not liking them. He included the following: “country (mostly emotional appeals that don’t resonate with me).”

Hmmmm.

Okay, I know that my own love of country music is a freakish anomaly here in the Bay Area, and I certainly don’t expect my significant other to share it. (I’m perfectly willing to get my country fix when he’s not around.) In fact, there are lots of fair criticisms one could level against the genre with which I would most probably agree. I mean, the music is formulaic, repetitive, simplistic, etc., etc. But, if one is actually listening closely enough to the lyrics to recognize that emotional appeals are being made at all, how can one not find the many songs about appreciating the beauty of everyday living, of finding contentedness in simple things, of commitment and joy and feeling the support of loved ones, endearing?

He might have taste, but has he no heart?

benign cyberstalking?

I just read a mildly entertaining piece describing the results of knowing too much about a new date due to the obsessive compulsion to google (or facebook/myspace/flickr/etc.) that person before you really know them. The author suggests that hunting for a new interest online is a bad idea, due to its potentially disastrous (if entertaining) consequences.

I have strong views about this (shocker, right? I’m not an opinionated person at all! Count your blessings that unless you know me personally, you’re spared my political rants. ). I, dear readers, want to know what you think about this more benign form of cyberstalking, so here’s a very short survey for you to take. I promise to report the results back.

In the meantime, I’ll contaminate my results by telling you what I think about it. (This is really unfortunate, because you’ll see when you take it that the survey is super-scientific in design. I mean, I’ve made sure that it’s valid and reliable and everything!)

So here’s what I think.

There is nothing wrong with using what information you have to try to find out who someone is, in both the literal sense of what their name is as well as in the more metaphorical sense of what makes them tick. Again, when cyberdating, we don’t have the normal social networks to fill in background info and help us jump to premature conclusions, uh, I mean perform complex social analysis about the person. The web helps us get some of that info (unless the person doesn’t have an online presence), especially if we have superior stalker-skills!

In my ideal world, everyone would assume that not only is this particular form of data-collection occurring and think it something that normal, well-adjusted people do (along side the crazy ones), but we could also mention things we’d read online without it creeping out the person concerned.

On my own dates, I tend to be pretty straightforward about these things, since there is little long-term potential for me with someone who can’t deal with my honesty and directness. (It really is my default style.) Thus, I have been known to admit, early on, that I had looked someone up online. The typical response tends to be surprise, not that I did it, but that I’ll admit it. I like to think that I’m socially aware enough to time my admissions appropriately, since part of successful communication is making sure the other person understands what you’re saying and doesn’t arrive at wrong secondary conclusions based on what you say. However, it’s mildly annoying to me to have to think about this. The world has changed, people. Adapt! (And while you’re adapting, take my survey.)