in my defense.

Okay readers. Sometimes edater might exaggerate, just a tad, with the intent of amusing her readers. So don’t judge me too harshly because of the previous post. I didn’t take it too seriously, and hopefully neither do you.

One of the comments compared me to Ally McBeal. Me! I mean, even I have my limits! ;-)

borrowing trouble.

No matter how hard I try to take my own advice about taking each day (and date) as it comes, there are occasions when I just can’t help forcasting stormy weather ahead, even when there are only trace clouds in the sky. Take, for example, Very Nice Guy with whom I had a lovely coffee on Saturday. We’ve only been on one date, and it was fun. And yet I find myself contemplating what might be a serious character flaw, at least in a relationship with me.

Here’s why.

On his profile, Very Nice Guy listed a number of types of music he doesn’t like and his reasons for not liking them. He included the following: “country (mostly emotional appeals that don’t resonate with me).”

Hmmmm.

Okay, I know that my own love of country music is a freakish anomaly here in the Bay Area, and I certainly don’t expect my significant other to share it. (I’m perfectly willing to get my country fix when he’s not around.) In fact, there are lots of fair criticisms one could level against the genre with which I would most probably agree. I mean, the music is formulaic, repetitive, simplistic, etc., etc. But, if one is actually listening closely enough to the lyrics to recognize that emotional appeals are being made at all, how can one not find the many songs about appreciating the beauty of everyday living, of finding contentedness in simple things, of commitment and joy and feeling the support of loved ones, endearing?

He might have taste, but has he no heart?

edater don’ts.

Don’t put 69, 666, or 420 in your username (unless your age clearly indicates you were *born* in 69).

Don’t put anything mean, angry, sexual, or gross in your username.

Don’t myspil thangz ahn yer profil or en emales. Not even on purpose.

Don’t be sarcastic in early emails. It’s impossible for me to hear your voice tone and know it’s meant to be funny.

Don’t put pictures up with an expensive car, without a shirt, in a swimsuit, with your arm around a woman, with someone obviously cropped out of the picture, or where you look mean or cranky.

Don’t have a beard. (Okay, you can have a beard, but darn it, why do so many men have beards? I hate them. Even when they look okay I hate them. They’re scratchy. I shave. Can’t you shave? Okay. Moving on now.)

Don’t mention your love for and skill in Guitar Hero over and over in your profile. Seriously.

Don’t “wink” or “woo” or “send an icebreaker.” (I know, I’ve said that before, but it’s worth repeating.)

Don’t show me how bigoted you are. (On second thought….)

Don’t make negative comments about other people’s profiles or past relationships until I start to know you better. Then it’s probably still better to hold off on the “she’s a crazy bitch” comments or “all women want to date super heroes” for a bit.

Don’t go on a date when you’re contagious.

Don’t read too much into it if I disappear for while; it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not interested.

Don’t neglect to put a photo up on your profile. I’m too lazy to “nudge” or “ask” for people’s photo, so your numbers will suffer if you don’t put up a photo. Don’t worry, not all straight women are looking for a Brad Pitt. Really.

And finally: Don’t rant on your profile. That’s what friends (and blogs) are for.

sometimes lines work.

Okay, I know that it’s probably a line, but this was super sweet!

Written as part of a longer email, first communication, initiated by him.

I do have to tell you this and I’m not one to offend, but there should be a law against you having a smile like that. It’s hypnotic.

Awwwwww. Thanks!

an odd message to initiate contact.

Eating Indian at [one of Edater's favorite restaurants] is just low.. especially when you could have home-made authentic Indian without all that oil.. been cooking foods from scratch since I was 9.. I would kid a girl about that! Besides.. last I went towards [Edater's city], the men out there seem to be from another planet- cuckoo birds. All sorts of unnecessary small-talk and forced fake laughter. It would take those oompa loompa a lot longer to find you while you stood right in front of them, than it would take you to ride a mule over to the Republic of Silicon Valley!

Avoid those clowns, young woman, go wild wild west. The Voices have spoken.

-The Voices, obviously

Well, he certainly did read my profile, but still, a very odd message.  I doubt it’s ever a good idea to talk about “the voices” speaking in an email to someone you’ve never met. I mean, I’m wondering if those voices speak to him on a regular basis….

transferable skills.

Went to a work-related dinner last night where I ended up sitting next to a stranger. I usually hate formal situations where I have to make small talk with people I don’t know. Tonight, however, it was painless and even, well, pleasant. I realized that after all those first dates with strange men, I’m just better at it.

Nice to know that I’m acquiring transferable skills as a by-product of this e-dating process.

sometimes you gotta break the rules.

Even when you’re the one that made them up in the first place.

I broke two edater rules with today’s brunch date.

1) I agreed to a first date that was *not* limited to coffee. I got away with it, though. It was fun!

2) I told him about this blog. (This is not something I’ve done with any of my previous e-dates, and not something that I plan to repeat. It’s also not something I regret. Yet. )

i finally caved.

A couple of days ago I started a spreadsheet to keep all these “potential matches” straight. There’s just too much going on in the rest of my life to devote brain cells to that particular activity. And it’s kind of embarrassing when you’re talking to someone and you refer to a trip they didn’t take or a talent they don’t actually have. *blush* They do blur together a bit after a while, though. Since computers created this problem, it’s nice that computers can fix it!

(I only use the spreadsheet until I’ve actually met in person. I only go on second dates with the ones I like enough to devote brain space to. )

free and easy.

I mentioned in a previous post that I signed up for another dating site last week. (More precisely, I re-signed up, as I’d had a previous, partial profile from some time in the past that I deleted in order to start from scratch.) Anyway, I’m starting to think that free = too easy. The signal to noise ratio is not as good on this site. I get too many random IMs (I’ve now disabled IMing), too many suspicious or creepy emails (people with no picture who think I’m the woman of their dreams, some of whom live in other countries…uh, right). I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence or not, but I suspect that having to pay a little money to join a site keeps out a fair number of people who are on the site for reasons other than finding romantic partners.

how to avoid awkwardness.

Here’s a tip I read recently (on someone’s profile, actually). I liked it.

You’ve been meeting folk but there are those who you’d rather avoid, and you delete them from your phone. Later, they call and you answer because the number looks familiar: maybe it is a family or coworker! Awkwardness ensues.

Solution? Keep the number, but change the name to “Do Not Answer” — especially if you may have a tendency to get drunk / lonely.

I do not actually use this strategy, but I read it a couple years ago and its re-telling was recently well-received, so I thought I’d share.